The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
