I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
