i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You ruined the universe
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
