If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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