Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
