My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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