oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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