she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
