Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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