I have demons in me.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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