moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
