Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
