The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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