In the future we'll all be gay
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
