When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Green mimosas i think yes
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
