its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
