Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
