no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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