I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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