My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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