My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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