I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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