I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
