i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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