I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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