I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
