I need to stop coming to work sober
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
