Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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