His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
