Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
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