his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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