the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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