She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
