The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
