I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
