my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
