We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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