Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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