is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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