I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
