do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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