What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
