Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
