I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
