My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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