1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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