I met the friendliest cop last night
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
