i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
