I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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