i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
