She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I showed him my bush... on skype.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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