Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
