I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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