Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
