I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
