Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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